Friday, October 26, 2012

Pushing limits

Yes world, I am still alive. I miss this little blog of mine and the satisfaction that I get from writing it. As busy as I am, I'm going to try and devote more time to keeping this lifeline of mine going.

My life just continues to get crazier and crazier and I find myself buried in the midst of all of its chaos. Some days...well most days to be honest, I find myself questioning why I continue to torture myself with all that's piling on my plate. I feel like life just keeps dishing me up another dose before I've even managed to finish up my first. I'm trying my best to keep a smile on my face and a positive attitude around my kids, but I'm sinking. Or more like floating. I'm keeping myself afloat for the time being, but we all know that you can only tread on for so long.

School is truly taking up more of my time that I am comfortable with. I am struggling to keep a happy balance and lately feel a wide array of emotions. I feel overwhelmed, guilty for not being as available to my kids, and even embarrassed by the parent I'm becoming. My children have always been my entire life and I'm constantly reminded that they are on a temporary back burner. Don't get me wrong, I haven't abandoned my children by any means, but my head and heart are not always in the right place these days. My mornings consist of herding everyone out the door with full bellies and all their belongings, and my evenings consist of feeding those tummies again and getting everyone settled into bed. In between those few hours each day that I'm actually around my kids, I'm juggling school, housework, and a number of other responsibilities. When did my life get so fast tracked? Where did my countless cuddle hours go with my kids where our biggest worry of the day was choosing which activity to include ourselves in?

I have officially passed the half way mark and I am beginning to see a little light at the end of my tunnel. I try to be optimistic in realizing that I'm half way done, but it's hard not to wonder "am I seriously only half way done?!" I'm ready to have my simple family life back where all of my energy and focus stays on my loved ones. I'm ready to enjoy my nights and weekends again instead of feeling continuously exhausted and overwhelmed. I miss taking my children to weekday activities and having play dates with friends. And I especially miss the happy, energetic, up-beat mom that I used to be.

I talk to other nursing students and I know that I'm not the only person feeling this way. I know we are all just taking it day by day until this madness of a program is over, but I hate that I decided to take on this responsibility while my children are so little. I pray for time to quickly pass by so I can be done with this phase of my life. But I also want time to stop in its tracts so that I can savor these precious moments with my babes. Either way, I can't win. I'm secretly hoping that they are young enough not to remember my absences so that I don't carry around this guilt forever. I'm doing great in school, but wondering if that's at the expense of my family? Lucas asked me recently if I always take him to preschool and daycare because I'm "tired of him." Needless to say that one instantly sent me to tears and ruined my entire day. Please Lord, tell me that my child is not going to hate me and grow up with unresolved abandonment issues. Tell me that everything is going to work out just fine and that it will all be worth it in the end. There are countless working families around the world functioning just as we are now. So why do I feel so guilty all the time?

I remind myself that I'm not doing this for me. Yes, I want a career. I want to be successful and have a rewarding life to look back on. But I want my family even more. This education allows me to have the family I dream about and to give my children the many opportunities that I want for them. This isn't for me. It's for them. And as long as I can keep reminding myself that, I will continue to float.

These are the faces that keep me going, and these and the faces that light up my world. I never forget how blessed I am to call myself their mother. This is what life is all about!