Enough Love?

I recently had an episode of such an overwhelming emotional connection to my unborn baby...and it was quite a touching moment. He was actively bouncing around in my belly and I envisioned holding him for the first time and kissing him on his sweet little cheeks. I have been excited, but until recently I have not truly felt the connection that I do now. His presence is nearing and my desire to see his face is almost irresistible! I am already beginning to think of us as a family of four and realizing how that affects us in every way imaginable (travel, holidays, etc). But even after all these feelings of joy I constantly seem to be asking myself if its going to last.

Will I still feel this overwhelming love for him when he his born? Lucas has been my baby for the past two and a half years and sometimes I fear that I could never love another person in the way that I do him. I have been fortunate enough to stay home and raise my son and the bond we've created with each other is unmatching, or so I seem to believe. Most parents have more than one child, and I know this, but does the second experience pale in comparison to the first? Am I always going to be comparing this little one to his older brother? Am I going to have unrealistic expectations for him? Will they find it necessary to fight for my affection? Or will I find myself favoring one son over the other as they grow? I have so many fears that the love I feel for this baby is not going to be the same love that I have for Lucas. But even if its not the same love, will it at least be equal love?

Levi is my rock. He supports me physically, emotionally, financially, and absolutely everything in between. When we got married I never imagined that I would love another person more than him. Becoming a mother hasn't made me love him any less, but I realize that a greater part of my heart had been reserved for my Lucas. He came into this world just when I needed him most and has been my everything from the moment I was able to call him mine. Starting our married life together was not easy being away from all of my family and friends, but we always had each other. Lucas soon became that constant presence where all of my love and energy was naturally shifted.

We recently watched an episode of the cartoon "Franklin" where he was preparing for the birth of his baby sister. He was really sad and told one of his friends his fear that his parents would love the new baby more than they loved him. His friend, who was a big brother himself, reassured him that his parents were going to love them both equally. He asked Franklin who he loved best; his mom or his dad? Franklin thought it was a silly question and said he loved them both. His friend explained that even though you love your mom and your dad in different ways and for different reasons, you love them both just the same. He claimed that it was the same with children...parents love them both equally, but may show it in different ways.

This episode touched me more than I expected and it honestly almost made the cry. I think it was exactly what I needed to hear. I already know that I am going to love this new baby unconditionally. He is a combination of myself and my husband and was created entirely out of love and excitement. We are thrilled to give Lucas a sibling and to enjoy raising a set of boys. But sometimes I just can't shake these thoughts in my head. My greatest prayer is that all of these fears will fly out of the window the moment I hold my son and share him with our family. Parenthood is definitely a roller coaster of emotions...even from the beginning. I guess everybody just needs a little bit of reassurance every now and again.

The true role of a parent

It's no secret that I wasn't exactly thrilled with the age gap that is going to be present between my boys (2yrs 9.5 months). If I had it my way, I would already have been caring for this new baby months ago. I had always envisioned my children two years apart and thought for the longest time that that's what was best. After completing a significantly large paper on Early Personality Development for one of my upper division psychology courses, I am now convinced that Mother Nature knew what was best all along!

Each week this semester we learned about various personality theorists and their personalized views of why we come to be the people we are. We were allowed to chose any topic pertaining to personality for our final paper and I was naturally drawn to the childhood aspect. I looked at the various theories of early personality development (from birth to adolescence) revolved around four different paradigms of psychology; the Psychoanalytic, Sociocultural, Trait, and Learning Paradigm. I am extremely impressed with the outcome of this paper...especially considering I did it all in 3 days! (I wonder what the psychologists would say about my uncanny procrastination habits?!)

I wont bore you with all of the research and theories of each person, but I can honestly say that this paper touched me on a very personal level. Being a mother is THE number one priority in my life and realizing just how crucial my role is to the development of my sons was not only an eye opener, but an inspiration as well.

The two topics that tugged at me the most revolved around Alfred Adler's Birth Order Theory, and Dollard & Miller's critical situations in childhood.

Alfred Adler considered the birth order of siblings an indicator of their future attitudes and behavior patterns. Because each child does indeed receive different treatment from the parents, he really felt that the order of their arrival ultimately set the stage for their future. First born children naturally receive all of the love and affection in the beginning, but reality takes a toll when another baby is thrown into the mix. He claimed that if a child is old enough to have developed a lifestyle for themselves by the time the second is born, their attitudes towards the new baby will be positive and a strong relationship will emerge. However, on the opposite spectrum, a great deal of resentment could arise if the gap is too small. I honestly feel that Lucas has found his own. He is an intelligent, smart, sweet child with a comprehension level of a kindergartner. I have no doubt in my mind that he will be great with his brother and offer the love and support towards him that I hope to see.

He also believed that the second born children were the most fortunate because they go through life continuously pushing themselves. The constantly struggle to keep up with the demands of the older sibling and it typically results in them becoming ambitious individuals. I believe that Lucas has set some very high expectations for this baby and I am so thankful that he will have him to look up to. I strive to push Lucas as much as I can, but I accept that I can only do so much. Our next son will follow in some of the greatest footsteps and I truly believe he will learn a great deal from his older brother.

John Dollard & Neal Miller's personality theory relied on a learning approach and the circumstances of reward and punishment. They referred to childhood as “a period of transitory psychosis because infants are completely at the mercy of their parents for the satisfaction of their needs.” Of the four critical situations in childhood, the "cleanliness training" was the one that stood out the most for me. They claimed that a parent's responses to potty training play and extremely important part in personality development. Interesting! Children have a hard time distinguishing between disapproval of an action, over disapproval of themselves, and a negative attitude could really hinder the way your child perceives himself in the future. Potty training has not been an easy journey to date, but I understand the importance of waiting until he is ready. Although he was doing fantastic at one point, he has since reverted backwards and lost all interest in the matter. But this is ok! I know people claim that its ideal to have the oldest trained before the new baby, but I am not comfortable pushing my son into something that he is not ready for. Boys are said to be harder to train than girls...and I'm going to have myself a pair of them! I'm completely prepared and have the confidence and patience that it'll happen when it's meant to.

Here was my closing summary:

So what does this all mean? Ultimately, early childhood has more of an impact on adult personality than one could ever believe. Although numerous theorists have proposed ideas from various perspectives, most agree that the developmental stages and associated behaviors set the pathway for both positive and negative personality structures. A repetitive theme through many of these theories relies on the helplessness of a young child and the need for support and guidance. Children rely on others for their support and safety and the manner that those needs are met ultimately drive a child to creating their own expectations and realities about the world around them. “Personality patterns are habitual tendencies which develop because an infant will use the patterns that are most effective in controlling his social environment” (Cole, & Morgan,p. 387). Children test boundaries and experiment with parental interactions as a means of learning and growth. The feedback they receive aids in structuring their behavior, temperament, and ultimately their personality. The differing actions that children receive from parents, along with a child’s individual responses to them, allow for each child to develop uniquely. Therefore, the role of a parent does not stop at basic food and shelter. The emotional connection with our children and our positive actions speak volumes in defining who they are to become. Although there is still much to be learned in the field of Early Personality Development, we can truly see its important integration into the entire spectrum of personality. As with every problem in math and science, it is important to start with the most basic and underlying factors if we are to ever understand something in its complexity.

Pretty good, huh?!

So take this blog to heart and remember just how important being a parent truly is. Yes, children are the future of tomorrow, but we are the ones responsible for pointing them in the right direction. Even though children grow and really start to assert their independence at a young age, remember your ongoing role in their lives. I have a duty to my sons to be the best mother I can be, and that is not a job description that I intend to take lightly.

And yes, Nursing is still my major. For those of you wondering why I've been overwhelmed with three intense Psych classes this semester, that is my minor. I only have one psychology course to go that I'm taking this summer, and I saved the best for last...Child Development!

If anyone wants to hear more about the different theories, you're welcome to read my paper. I'd be happy to share what I learned!

The Color Talk

The most difficult part to having an exceptionally bright child is that I am forced to discuss and explains things much earlier than I ever imagined. We had an eventful morning with just the two of us and decided to swing into Subway for some lunch before heading home to nap.

For the past few weeks, Lucas has been obsessed with BOYS vs. GIRLS. He has learned to distinguish between the two and loves to point people out everywhere we go. While leaving Target he yelled that a boy was driving a car, and then while eating our sandwiches he said that the little girl was looking at him!

About halfway into our lunch a fairly young African American guy walked in and Lucas couldn't stop staring. He then started yelling, "He's a bad boy!" repeatedly. I was really shocked and continued to reaffirm him that the man was a nice person too. Yikes! I wasn't upset, but I was genuinely embarrassed. I don't blame him for his choice of words because I know that at this age, he doesn't know any better.

We had a similar incident a few weeks ago while reading a story. There were three babies crawling around on one of the pages; a white, asian, and a black. He kept telling me that the black baby was a mean one and that the other two were nice ones. I did my best explaining that they were ALL nice, but it appears that it's time for a serious talk with my boy.

Living in California I was exposed to many different cultures and ethnicity's. I have two mixed cousins, and was friends with people of all colors and backgrounds. Now that we are in Alaska, I feel that the tables have turned. The majority of the population seems to be composed of natives, whites, and asians, so I primarily feel that his confusion is merely a lack of exposure. Nevertheless, this isn't something that I want my child saying, or more importantly, believing.

So, it seems that a good talk is in order and that I may need to rent some children's books to help in the matter. I honestly didn't expect this to happen for some time, but now that it's here, I want to teach him about respect and equality as much as I can. If anyone knows of any good resources or activities that have worked for them, please let me know!