Enough Love?

I recently had an episode of such an overwhelming emotional connection to my unborn baby...and it was quite a touching moment. He was actively bouncing around in my belly and I envisioned holding him for the first time and kissing him on his sweet little cheeks. I have been excited, but until recently I have not truly felt the connection that I do now. His presence is nearing and my desire to see his face is almost irresistible! I am already beginning to think of us as a family of four and realizing how that affects us in every way imaginable (travel, holidays, etc). But even after all these feelings of joy I constantly seem to be asking myself if its going to last.

Will I still feel this overwhelming love for him when he his born? Lucas has been my baby for the past two and a half years and sometimes I fear that I could never love another person in the way that I do him. I have been fortunate enough to stay home and raise my son and the bond we've created with each other is unmatching, or so I seem to believe. Most parents have more than one child, and I know this, but does the second experience pale in comparison to the first? Am I always going to be comparing this little one to his older brother? Am I going to have unrealistic expectations for him? Will they find it necessary to fight for my affection? Or will I find myself favoring one son over the other as they grow? I have so many fears that the love I feel for this baby is not going to be the same love that I have for Lucas. But even if its not the same love, will it at least be equal love?

Levi is my rock. He supports me physically, emotionally, financially, and absolutely everything in between. When we got married I never imagined that I would love another person more than him. Becoming a mother hasn't made me love him any less, but I realize that a greater part of my heart had been reserved for my Lucas. He came into this world just when I needed him most and has been my everything from the moment I was able to call him mine. Starting our married life together was not easy being away from all of my family and friends, but we always had each other. Lucas soon became that constant presence where all of my love and energy was naturally shifted.

We recently watched an episode of the cartoon "Franklin" where he was preparing for the birth of his baby sister. He was really sad and told one of his friends his fear that his parents would love the new baby more than they loved him. His friend, who was a big brother himself, reassured him that his parents were going to love them both equally. He asked Franklin who he loved best; his mom or his dad? Franklin thought it was a silly question and said he loved them both. His friend explained that even though you love your mom and your dad in different ways and for different reasons, you love them both just the same. He claimed that it was the same with children...parents love them both equally, but may show it in different ways.

This episode touched me more than I expected and it honestly almost made the cry. I think it was exactly what I needed to hear. I already know that I am going to love this new baby unconditionally. He is a combination of myself and my husband and was created entirely out of love and excitement. We are thrilled to give Lucas a sibling and to enjoy raising a set of boys. But sometimes I just can't shake these thoughts in my head. My greatest prayer is that all of these fears will fly out of the window the moment I hold my son and share him with our family. Parenthood is definitely a roller coaster of emotions...even from the beginning. I guess everybody just needs a little bit of reassurance every now and again.

The big gender reveal!

We are just three days away from the big ultrasound and our fingers are crossed that it will reveal whether we will be welcoming another baby boy or a baby girl into this world. As the days approach I find myself getting more nervous than ever before. My mind is continually playing out scenarios of our little family a year from now and I can’t stop envisioning what our lives are truly going to be like. Will our home continue to be filled with dinosaurs, trains, and robots, or is it suddenly going to be overrun with the color pink?!

When we conceived Lucas I was 95% certain that he was a boy based on the timing. This time around we decided to actively try for another boy using the Shettle’s method. As much as I hate to admit that I have a preference, my heart is truly hoping for another little wee-wee on the screen! We both understand that the method we used is not absolutely certain and we accept that a baby girl may be in our very near future. I know that we will have whatever we are meant to and will love our new baby unconditionally. But unfortunately, the more I think into the topic I feel that I am going to be disappointed either way. I would love to raise a set of boys and give Lucas a baby brother, but I also feel that I may miss out on many important life situations if I do not have a daughter of my own. A friend of mine created a list of pros to having each gender and I decided this is something that I need to do for myself as well.

Pro’s to having another boy:

•Lucas will have a brother
•Our home is already over run with boy toys
•We have plenty of clothes ready to be worn again
•Levi would have another little man at his side
•We have an agreed upon name (we think!)
•Boys aren’t as much drama as girls in the teenage years
•We already know that we make a handsome and intelligent boy

Pro’s to having a girl:

•She will have a protective big brother!
•Our lives will be forever changed
•We will experience the opposite spectrum of raising a child
•The estrogen levels in my home will be even with the testosterone
•I will be able to experience the girly events later in life- prom, wedding, etc.
•I will gain a pedicure partner
•Potty training will be easier (so they say)
•I’m interested to see the hold a girl would have over Levi

Regardless of what we find out on Monday, I already love this baby and can’t wait to welcome it into our family. Lucas talks about this baby more than I imagined he would and I know that he is going to make a fantastic big brother. We are blessed to be able to extend our family and whatever gender this baby turns out to be…it’ll be a perfect fit into the Cecil family!

Showing Already??

I can honestly say that this pregnancy has been quite different from my last. I expected to have reunited with my porcelain friend on a hourly basis by now, but I have been doing surprisingly well! I have been quite nauseous for the past few weeks, but have only had to run to throw up 4 times. I told myself that I just don't have time to deal with being sick...hopefully my body got the message. (Or at least part of it!)

On a wider note, I CANNOT button my pants. Seriously. This is absolutely crazy! I have a small protruding baby bump and my pants are nearly unwearable. I am only 6 weeks and 6 days (7 weeks tomorrow) and I didn't begin showing with Lucas until 12 weeks. It was as if a little bump decided to grace us with its presence this morning. As Levi was about to leave for work I caught him staring at me as I walked across the living room. He then commented on the noticeable belly, where I then replied..."it's too soon to be showing!!" His response? "I hope it's twins!"

Levi was pretty heart broken when he found out Lucas was a single baby and is really rooting for a duo this time around. I can't image carrying twins, let alone caring for two newborns with a toddler already. Oh. My. Goodness.

This was me at 12 weeks and 2 days with Lucas:

And this is me now at 6 weeks and 6 days:


Not much of a difference, huh? What's even scarier is that I started out at a lower pre-pregnancy weight this time around. When I said we were trying for two, I meant child number two...not two at once! Yikes...I'm nervous!

Certified Nurse Midwife

I've figured it all out. My career that is!

I have always had a love of pregnancy and birth stories and a few months ago I expressed my interest in becoming a certified lactation consultant. Levi's uncle refereed me to his wife's midwife, and I have spent some time researching into midwifery since then.

There are two types of midwifes, Direct-Entry Midwifes and Certified Nurse Midwifes. The Direct Entry pathway does not require any nursing education and primarily works in out-of-the-hospital settings. A Certified Nurse Midwife are those educated in both nursing and midwifery and who can practice in hospitals, birth centers, and at home.

I cannot think of a better career for myself than working with women through pregnancy, labor, birth and during the postpartum period...all while promoting natural and healthy births!

I have found a midwifery program here in Alaska that works similar to a distance course, with an added apprenticeship program in the community. I have been in contact with the founder of the program and have been talking it over with Levi for a few days now. This program certifies in the non-nursing midwifery aspect, which is the only thing making me hesitant. But, I am absolutely in love with the curriculum! The entire course is broken down into 54 modules- all of which fascinate me. The first unit begins with the history and study of midwifery, ethics, law, etc. and then we would jump into antepartum: all about pregnancy, nutrition, herbology and then some! We would also have lessons on labor, birth complications, pharmacology, and all things postpartum. There would then be numerous units on newborn care, breastfeeding, skills, complications, neonatal resuscitation, etc. I know that I definitely want to go the advanced route since my nursing degree is finally within reach, but I think this could be a great start to my ultimate goals!

The school is reasonably priced and because you work at your own pace, I think that I could really incorporate this into my current studies. I would love to complete such a program by the time I graduate from nursing school...how ideal would that be?! But I guess the real question is "can I do this?" Can I really attend two colleges while doing daycare and raising my own two children?? Since I was a teenager I feel like I've always been testing my limits with work and school, but I truly feel that this is what I was meant to do! There is nothing else that better incorporates my love for science, babies, and pregnancy.

I really think I can do this! And just as importantly, so does Levi. He thinks this would be a wonderful career for me. Not only would I passionately enjoy what I do, but I would be contributing significantly to our household income. I think it's important to stay home and complete school while the children are young, but I definitely see myself jump starting this fantastic career once they are in school.

I can do this, I know I can.

Great things are happening!

Life is coming together beautifully for myself and my family and I feel absolutely blessed to be living this life of mine!

Firstly, as we just recently announced, our second child is on the way! I am so excited to square out our family and to give Lucas a younger sister or brother to love. I love being pregnant. I love babies. And I love my family! I am in complete bliss at this entire notion of expansion!

Secondly, I just received my acceptance letter to the School of Nursing!! I've been anxiously awaiting this notification and can now relax and plan out my next few years accordingly. A seat has been reserved for me May 7th for the Summer 2012 semester. Although it seems so far away, it's just a little over a year. But the best part is that I have been placed as an alternate on the waiting list for the Spring 2012 semester...which starts NEXT January! If any person drops from the program, I will be given the opportunity to start early! I will have completed all of my psychology minor classes by this end of this summer (Aug 20th) and am due just a few days afterwards to give birth. It couldn't have been planned out any better! So whether my baby is 9 or 5 months when I begin Nursing School, I will make the best out of our situation. I've already got myself a head start on some of the required classes, so the nursing semesters shouldn't be quite as demanding for me.

And finally, Levi and I have finished the drawings for our to-be home! When we moved to Anchorage 3 years ago, we originally wanted to buy ourselves land. Unfortunately, there was minimal land left in Anchorage and I wasn't too keen on the idea of venturing far out of the city. So, we purchased a home laking a permanent foundation structure on a private lot, in what I believe to be one of the best sides of town! We are walking distance to the Far North Bicentennial Park, which is miles and miles of forest and trails! (And some of our favorite hiking spots!) We also have a green belt behind our home, so no one will ever be allowed to built there. We live in a beautiful and quiet neighborhood that is also walking distance to an elementary school. To date, we have paid off 40% of our mortgage and have decided that its time to start the next phase...construction of our new home! With a little one on the way, we feel that it is now time to build the dream home that we designed together! (Well, more Levi, but I put in my two cents along the way!) We are beginning the first phases to obtaining a construction loan and are anxious to see where we stand. We have put a lot of heart and soul into this project already and I cannot wait to see it turn into a reality...even if it takes longer than we hope. I don't know if we'll be able to start before the baby comes, or where we will relocate to in the meantime, but we're prepared to take this one step at a time!

Unsuccessful

Our first month trying proved to been unsuccessful and although I'm trying to keep optimistic, that doesn't take away the disappointment that I feel. As much as I know that everything will happen when it's meant to, I feel as though I am ultimately fighting against time. I know that I am still young, but there are a few roadblocks in my near future that are causing me a great deal of stress in the baby department.

Firstly, I have always had a 3 year maximum sibling gap that I desperately want to stick to. Lucas will be two years old in only two short weeks and I feel that it's important for him to have a sibling relatively close in age. My fear is that my children will not be interested in common things and not create that loving bond with each other. Typing this out I realize how dramatic that sounds, but I don't want to see Lucas 5 years older than the next and always annoyed and embarrassed by the littler one. (Although I know that's bound to happen once or twice regardless of age!).

But most importantly, I am serious about keeping my commitment to school. I should be receiving my admission letter for the nursing program here in the next few weeks and I am very nervous to see what it says. Each applicant is required to wait an 18-24mo waiting period, and I had finally come to terms with this. By having another next summer, I would still be able to spend the first year at home before committing to nursing school. Not ideal circumstances, but workable to say the least. Levi was speaking to a man who's wife is currently in the program and he claimed that she waited two years to begin. When Levi mentioned that I have a 4.0 GPA the man immediately said I have nothing to worry about and that I will be in the program in no time. Yikes! I was really depending on that time gap to focus on being mommy and I'm worried that I may not have that option anymore.

I suppose the hardest part of all of this has been in coming to terms with school. I fear that every month that we don't conceive is a month less that I get to spend home with baby. Although Levi was so sure that he could impregnate me on the first try, I know that it doesn't always work that way. Aren't men just so full of themselves?! It's difficult not to be bothered by this failed notion and I wish that life would just hurry up and give me what I want! So much for patience, right?

Trying for two!

Levi and I decided that it's time to add another Cecil baby to our family! We are currently trying to conceive and I couldn't be more excited!!

For obvious reason, we really want to have a summer baby this time around. Lucas was born in November so we rarely ventured outside for those first few months. Then the following year when he was new walker, the idea of stumbling around on snow and ice made me very nervous. We want to enjoy the nature and outdoors more with our new addition as well as ensure that Lucas isn't cooped inside with a newborn during the already-difficult-enough winter. (I can see the jealousy starting already!) This way, I will also be able to spend an entire year home with the new baby before starting the nursing program. The timing couldn't be better!

My ovulation window just ended a few days ago and I have to wait almost another week and a half (possible sooner) before I can test. The anticipation is already killing me! I'm a fairly patient person, but this is definitely one of those categories that does not apply. My breasts are very tender and my stomach a little twisted, but I'm afraid I may be looking for signs that really aren't there. It's amazing what the human brain can do to a baby craving woman! Sometimes I feel like a psychological mess.

I am so proud of the sweet, smart, handsome little boy that Lucas has developed into and I cannot wait to do the fun all over again! So happy hubby finally came to his senses =)