Am I broken?

I never imagined the heartache that I would face in attempting to expand my family. I never thought that I could be one of those women who had difficulties conceiving, for some reason or another. This experience has been emotionally draining and makes me often question how I'm suppose to stay optimistic.

This month, I decided to purchase an over the counter ovulation predictor test. My cycles have decreased to 25 days for the past few months, but they've remained steady. I wasn't sure if this had any effect on my fertile days, so I gave this test a try. Based on cycle length you are told which day to begin testing. From there, you re-test each day at the same time until you receive a positive result. This ultimately means that you have a surge of the LH hormone in your system and will therefore ovulate within 24-36hrs. Also known as your most fertile window!

During my nursing pre-req courses I excelled in Anatomy & Physiology. I have a large fascination for the human body and how it works. The final section we covered, the reproductive system, was by far my favorite! I loved learning about all of the hormones, their jobs, and how everything comes together to make us functional. Because of my cycle and my knowledge of the reproductive system, I had a good idea of when a positive test should have arrived. But I was wrong. The package came with 7 tests (and I expected a positive on days 4 or 5), but each day continued to turn up negative. Is it stress? Seems that I am still ovulating as if I were having a 28 days cycle as opposed to whats really happening in my body. Having this background made it very difficult for me to not think the worst. I honestly started to panic and wonder if I was even ovulating at all? Perhaps I have a hormonal imbalance? Or maybe I'm too underweight? Not healthy enough? Oh the horrors that were racing through my head. Thankfully, with one final test left, I detected my LH surge.

Whew! What a relief. I AM OVULATING!!
A few days after ovulation I had some light spotting. It is common for a light bleed when the egg implants itself, and this was the first month I noticed anything. At this point I really started being optimistic and felt that this could be our month!

Not even a few days later, my entire household came down with the flu. I was nauseous and vomiting and worried that getting sick could really jeopardize any chances of conceiving. As the days rolled around to test I was so nervous that I couldn't bring myself to do it. When I finally got the courage, I nearly bursted into tears just waiting for the results. Unfortunately, we got another negative.

I have been so disappointed and depressed these past two days that I feel like I can't leave the house for fear of crying at any given moment. I manage to go a few hours and then break down again. I am so full of mixed emotions that I honestly don't know how to handle them. It seems that nearly everyone around me is pregnant or giving birth and I can't help but wonder why I am left out. This is what I want and this is what I NEED. I have not been on birth control for 5 years, so it concerns me that Lucas is still an only child! I can't accept that its just not meant to happen so I am determined to do whatever I have to do. I've been researching into natural supplements and herbs that can possibly increase our chances and naturally help balance out my hormones.

I do not have medical insurance - only coverage from the university for being a student. Since birth control methods are what they advertise, I highly doubt they offer any fertility assistance. And I cannot receive care from the Native Hospital until I show a proof of pregnancy. I honestly don't know what else to do or where else to turn.

Torture: Two Weeks at a Time

Well, the time came again to test and I am sad to say that we are still not pregnant. This whole waiting game has really got me sick to my stomach and is doing the one thing that it shouldn't be doing...stressing me out!

Although we have only been actively trying for a few months, this past year has been an "if it happens, it happens" kind of thing. Although hubby wasn't ready to commit to "trying" until recently, I've still hoped and prayed that it would happen on its own. So much for that.

I feel like I've spent every month for nearly a year being obsessed with pregnancy, and I really thought that things would finally come together for us. If it wasn't for a loss, we would have been looking at an April baby, but then we actively starting trying again for a June...and then July...and now here we are. Still waiting.

Levi really wants another boy, so naturally, that's what I want to give him. We've been timing it with my ovulation to increase our chances, but the downfall to this is that you limit your fertile days. I'm about ready to say heck with limiting, let just TRY!

Each month that we learn we're not pregnant means we must wait two weeks to re-try, and then wait another two weeks to test. And with all of the single lined pregnancy tests, this cycle just continues.

To put it mildly, I want to crawl into bed and bawl my eyes out half of the time. I know that everything will happen in due time, but I am really running out of options. I can't put off nursing school to stay home with a newborn, so we need to get pregnant NOW! I wish that this wasn't such an emotional thing for me and that I could actually go one single day without thinking about it. Why does this need to consume me so much? And why is it so difficult?? We are a young, healthy, non smoking/drinking couple with a current child. Why? I suppose I just thought once hubby jumped on the bandwagon and invested his heart into this too, that things would magically fall into place. But I'm an adult. I should have learned by now that life is not a fairytale.

Trying for two!

Levi and I decided that it's time to add another Cecil baby to our family! We are currently trying to conceive and I couldn't be more excited!!

For obvious reason, we really want to have a summer baby this time around. Lucas was born in November so we rarely ventured outside for those first few months. Then the following year when he was new walker, the idea of stumbling around on snow and ice made me very nervous. We want to enjoy the nature and outdoors more with our new addition as well as ensure that Lucas isn't cooped inside with a newborn during the already-difficult-enough winter. (I can see the jealousy starting already!) This way, I will also be able to spend an entire year home with the new baby before starting the nursing program. The timing couldn't be better!

My ovulation window just ended a few days ago and I have to wait almost another week and a half (possible sooner) before I can test. The anticipation is already killing me! I'm a fairly patient person, but this is definitely one of those categories that does not apply. My breasts are very tender and my stomach a little twisted, but I'm afraid I may be looking for signs that really aren't there. It's amazing what the human brain can do to a baby craving woman! Sometimes I feel like a psychological mess.

I am so proud of the sweet, smart, handsome little boy that Lucas has developed into and I cannot wait to do the fun all over again! So happy hubby finally came to his senses =)