Unsuccessful

Our first month trying proved to been unsuccessful and although I'm trying to keep optimistic, that doesn't take away the disappointment that I feel. As much as I know that everything will happen when it's meant to, I feel as though I am ultimately fighting against time. I know that I am still young, but there are a few roadblocks in my near future that are causing me a great deal of stress in the baby department.

Firstly, I have always had a 3 year maximum sibling gap that I desperately want to stick to. Lucas will be two years old in only two short weeks and I feel that it's important for him to have a sibling relatively close in age. My fear is that my children will not be interested in common things and not create that loving bond with each other. Typing this out I realize how dramatic that sounds, but I don't want to see Lucas 5 years older than the next and always annoyed and embarrassed by the littler one. (Although I know that's bound to happen once or twice regardless of age!).

But most importantly, I am serious about keeping my commitment to school. I should be receiving my admission letter for the nursing program here in the next few weeks and I am very nervous to see what it says. Each applicant is required to wait an 18-24mo waiting period, and I had finally come to terms with this. By having another next summer, I would still be able to spend the first year at home before committing to nursing school. Not ideal circumstances, but workable to say the least. Levi was speaking to a man who's wife is currently in the program and he claimed that she waited two years to begin. When Levi mentioned that I have a 4.0 GPA the man immediately said I have nothing to worry about and that I will be in the program in no time. Yikes! I was really depending on that time gap to focus on being mommy and I'm worried that I may not have that option anymore.

I suppose the hardest part of all of this has been in coming to terms with school. I fear that every month that we don't conceive is a month less that I get to spend home with baby. Although Levi was so sure that he could impregnate me on the first try, I know that it doesn't always work that way. Aren't men just so full of themselves?! It's difficult not to be bothered by this failed notion and I wish that life would just hurry up and give me what I want! So much for patience, right?