Am I broken?

I never imagined the heartache that I would face in attempting to expand my family. I never thought that I could be one of those women who had difficulties conceiving, for some reason or another. This experience has been emotionally draining and makes me often question how I'm suppose to stay optimistic.

This month, I decided to purchase an over the counter ovulation predictor test. My cycles have decreased to 25 days for the past few months, but they've remained steady. I wasn't sure if this had any effect on my fertile days, so I gave this test a try. Based on cycle length you are told which day to begin testing. From there, you re-test each day at the same time until you receive a positive result. This ultimately means that you have a surge of the LH hormone in your system and will therefore ovulate within 24-36hrs. Also known as your most fertile window!

During my nursing pre-req courses I excelled in Anatomy & Physiology. I have a large fascination for the human body and how it works. The final section we covered, the reproductive system, was by far my favorite! I loved learning about all of the hormones, their jobs, and how everything comes together to make us functional. Because of my cycle and my knowledge of the reproductive system, I had a good idea of when a positive test should have arrived. But I was wrong. The package came with 7 tests (and I expected a positive on days 4 or 5), but each day continued to turn up negative. Is it stress? Seems that I am still ovulating as if I were having a 28 days cycle as opposed to whats really happening in my body. Having this background made it very difficult for me to not think the worst. I honestly started to panic and wonder if I was even ovulating at all? Perhaps I have a hormonal imbalance? Or maybe I'm too underweight? Not healthy enough? Oh the horrors that were racing through my head. Thankfully, with one final test left, I detected my LH surge.

Whew! What a relief. I AM OVULATING!!
A few days after ovulation I had some light spotting. It is common for a light bleed when the egg implants itself, and this was the first month I noticed anything. At this point I really started being optimistic and felt that this could be our month!

Not even a few days later, my entire household came down with the flu. I was nauseous and vomiting and worried that getting sick could really jeopardize any chances of conceiving. As the days rolled around to test I was so nervous that I couldn't bring myself to do it. When I finally got the courage, I nearly bursted into tears just waiting for the results. Unfortunately, we got another negative.

I have been so disappointed and depressed these past two days that I feel like I can't leave the house for fear of crying at any given moment. I manage to go a few hours and then break down again. I am so full of mixed emotions that I honestly don't know how to handle them. It seems that nearly everyone around me is pregnant or giving birth and I can't help but wonder why I am left out. This is what I want and this is what I NEED. I have not been on birth control for 5 years, so it concerns me that Lucas is still an only child! I can't accept that its just not meant to happen so I am determined to do whatever I have to do. I've been researching into natural supplements and herbs that can possibly increase our chances and naturally help balance out my hormones.

I do not have medical insurance - only coverage from the university for being a student. Since birth control methods are what they advertise, I highly doubt they offer any fertility assistance. And I cannot receive care from the Native Hospital until I show a proof of pregnancy. I honestly don't know what else to do or where else to turn.