Stretched too thin?

I've been in a bit of a funk lately and I'm finding it difficult to snap out of this semi-depressed state that I'm sinking into. I'm busy, tired, and stressed, but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that winter is here. Oh, joy.

This is the beginning of our fifth Alaskan winter and I honestly have no desire to experience it. It's dark. It's gloomy. It's cold. And I'm miserable. I thought that being as active and busy as I am these days would make it easier, but it's been just the opposite. I feel like hibernating inside my house until May. Maybe even June.

I feel as if I may really be stretching myself too thin. Some days it's physical, others it's emotional. I work hard to care for my children and keep up my home, all while maintaining a social life and running the million and one errands I seem to always have to do. People literally depend on me and I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to let others down...no matter what the cost is to myself.

I've also taken a big leap into Lucas' preschool that I didn't anticipate from the start. Being a co-op means a great deal of parental involvement, but I didn't expect that I would exert as much energy into the school as I do. Being a board member places a lot of pressure on assuring the school is operating at its finest. However, this is really important to me. I want to ensure my son is receiving the best and that the families that I have gotten to know and love, are too. Being a working parent means that I have to prepare snacks, facilitate with art, occupy and assist the class...all while juggling Levin. We no longer have a Director, and the VP just stepped down, so a lot of pressure has been placed onto the board to fill those roles. I am also a member of the advertising committee and helping to coordinate field trips for the school. I am not complaining about these roles because I am happy to be a part of such a great organization and a part of these wonderful children's lives, but I suppose I didn't realize how much energy I would losing. It seems like there are only a small number of parents that truly put forth the effort and expectations that are needed, so a lot of unnecessary work gets placed onto us. And honestly, there are others doing even more than me! (Although toting a baby around too does give me a bit more of a challenge). I think I've come up with an answer for myself: I will soon be dropping down my status as a working parent. With school about to begin, I think I can justify increasing my tuition in lieu of working my required days. I hate to have to do that, but it sounds like a better fit for my lifestyle at the moment and I'm okay with that.

Emotionally, I feel somewhat drained at times too. I live life caring for others and don't feel like I always get taken care of myself. I hold my own and do whatever I need to do, but I sometimes lack that emotional boost that I need for my own sanity. I don't get much me time, nor do we even have much couple time these days. And it's not strictly because we now have two kids. It's because work is consuming, appointments need to be kept, and routines need to be followed. Life is busy and my needs sometimes get lost in the madness. I get it.

Trying to pinpoint all of this frustration seems to stem back to my acceptance into nursing school. We've discussed our future plans on many occasions and it all revolved around my completion of school. Now that the window has opened and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I feel like racing through it as fast as I can. An invisible countdown has begun and I feel like it just can't come soon enough.

And I also feel guilt. Although I work hard, my husband works harder. He is outdoors in this bitterly cold weather working so that he may provide for his family. He is working a job that is physically demanding and sometimes working on days that should be his to rest. All for the sake of our family. I feel guilty for even getting frustrated with him too. He honestly makes my life more difficult and creates far more work on my plate. But when I think about the big picture I feel so guilty that I'm even bothered by those petty things. Yet, he has freedom. When he's off work he can do whatever he wants, go wherever he pleases, and refrain from activities that he wants to avoid. When he's off work...he is free. I, on the other hand, am not. My job never ends and I am working, in a sense, 24 hours a day. Which all rolls down to jealousy. And that right there is what I feel the most guilt over.

I feel like that super nice person that always gets taken advantage of. That super nice person that goes out of her way to help others, yet receives little to nothing in return. That super nice person who goes through life trying to care for everyone but herself. I'm not one to ask for help, nor do I often accept any that is offered. It may sound stubborn by I feel like no one should have to take on any of my burdens, or be put out of their way on my account. But honestly, only a fraction of these feelings are about my roles as a mother and wife. I truly feel like the nice guys do always finish last. I get led on by people I trust, pushed into things I don't want to do, and left on the back burner more often than not.

I feel, I feel, I feel...that seems to be the revolving theme here. It's great to feel, but not healthy to ignore those feelings. So here I am. I'm writing, venting, and trying to purge these negative feelings away. Getting these thoughts into words can only mean that I can now move on and work to better them, right? Lets hope so.