Trying to stay strong

This last week has been nothing short of a downwards emotional roller coaster. I have been doing my best to stay strong and supportive to my family, but that's not always an easy thing to do when you're down in the blue yourself. I'm not one to complain about all of the little things in life, but sometimes a good vent helps.

The week started off with a huge disappointment...Levi and his stepfather were denied the slope contract that they were so eagerly led-on to believe they had. Levi was suppose to be working up in Prudhoe Bay for the next four months and I'd be lying if I didn't say that job was an answer to our prayers. We aren't in a very bad bind financially, but the expectation of this job let us to get ourselves a little more behind that I am comfortable with. We weren't going to go to Hawaii this year and both take time off work, but because this job was scheduled to start in April we decided to go ahead with our plans. This job would have given us the freedom to pay off all of our debt and the majority of our remaining mortgage (which we are so desperately trying to do before our move). It was a huge disappointment to find out another company was awarded the position, especially after the company had given our guys their schedule already. I feel like we were led on and used to fulfil a bid quote. I am thankful he will not be away for so long, but we were really depending on that job to get us where we needed to be.

With the job now out of the question, I have been struggling to find means for us to save money. I've been taking a look at all of our bills and doing my best to eliminate whatever is not necessary. Expecting another baby in a few months also has me a little on edge. We gave the majority of clothes to a couple in need after Lucas outgrew them, and I just found out they are also expecting another baby boy. I don't feel it is right for me to now ask for our stuff back, so we now have the burden of starting fresh. All I have left are some clothes (mostly older), a crib, and a jumper. I had a hard time emotionally when we gave away his car seat and stroller to Levi's cousin, but Levi assured me that we could get all new stuff next time around. It's a bit of a stresser realizing that we need to provide all over again while Levi is not working as much as we would like. I'm praying work picks up soon and that I can get my Doula thing up and running in a short amount of time.

I was also saddened by some news that a family member may have to relive a health scare that we have been praying was now behind us. I hate to see someone that I love struggling with this fear and stress on her own, and it hurts that I can't be back home to help. I would give anything for this to go away and rid my family of the fear and unknown.

I have also been struggling to get Lucas in pre-school and finally realized this week that it's just not going to happen. I called around to a million different places in town and he is just not eligible. Our plan was to start him in school in August as the new school year began, and also right before the new baby came. We felt that this would be a good thing for him socially and mentally, and it would also give me a few hours in the morning of alone time with baby. Turns out he needs to be 3 before Sept. 1st to qualify, and that is just not the case. It was very difficult for me to accept the fact that my son has to wait an entire year before being permitted to go to preschool. He is extremely intelligent and needs to be pushed, but because he was born just a few months later he is forced to wait an entire year. He will be one of the oldest students in his classes for the rest of his life, and although my boys will be almost 3 years apart, they will only be 2 grades apart in school. This has angered, frustrated, and down right pissed me off! He is more ready than many of the 3 year olds that I know, and he wont have the opportunity he deserves.

As if the week couldn't get any worse and I hadn't been stressed or shedded enough tears, Levi's grandfather passed away this morning. We knew it was coming soon, but nothing can really prepare you for the actual event. Levi is beside himself with anger and regret for not going to visit him in Missouri, but his grandfather made it clear that he did not want Levi to see him so sick. When gramp's health turned for the worse we decided Levi needed to go, but he was told only 3 days in advance of his required departure to the slope. He didn't go because of the job, and the job was ripped out from under him anyway. Sometimes life is cruel.

I have been stressed, hurt, scared, and very emotional all week. I have been trying to hold my head high, but I'm not as strong as I wish I were. There are only two weeks left of school and I have been trying to juggle all of the above with finishing out the semester. I have only been able to complete 1 of the 4 Psychology papers I have to write and I have two finals to complete within the next few days. I cannot concentrate on school with everything that is going on, but I'm trying my hardest to push through. I can't let all of my hard work throughout this entire semester fall through the cracks now....I just need to keep pushing.

Wish all that has happened it has really placed a lot into perspective. I'm reminded that life is short and we need to cherish everyone around us. Life is not always fair and sometimes you just need to get through the rocky patches and hope for the best. Family is whats most important. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful little family and thankful for all that we have. Money is not everything and it doesn't always equal happiness. We WILL get by and see brighter days. That's a promise.